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It was summer and school was out, so my dad would drop me off to my uncle’s trailer in the morning on the way to work, and pick me up on the way home (most of the time - but I did stay over quite a lot, especially on the weekends, but those stories will come later).I liked my uncle, and my uncle’s house - especially after my aunt passed, to be blunt. He had a subscription to Playboy, and he just kept them right on the back of the toilet. I spent a lot of time jerking off to those magazines (in hindsight it probably wasn’t the best idea to shoot my young loads at the open magazines - I’m sure I ruined some expensive mags, especially one of the Marilyn Monroe anniversary issues!).It also may not have been the best idea to jerk off so much in a bathroom without a lock on the door - but I had no idea my uncle might walk in... that is, until the day he did. I was stroking and didn’t notice the doorknob turning, and suddenly my uncle was standing in the doorway, watching me for the first. I want to hear all about his day and have long conversations on subjects we have discussed a million times before. I want to talk about the impossible dream of a life we could have together. I want to hear him say that he loves me just as much as I love him. But I can't because he does not love me. That fact is heartbreakingly true. He loves someone else and a future together is something that could never be achieved no matter how much effort is put forth. I fully grasp the reasoning to which I cannot have the man I want and I understand that he wishes to have someone else for his wife but I keep finding myself unable to let go, despite knowing full well that I need to lock his memory away for my sanity. I find myself refusing any advances of romance or love. Despising them, even. I have noticed myself becoming hateful and bitter. I hate that I was not good enough to deserve his love and have found myself sitting and wondering what was wrong with me. He has turned me into a person.
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